Birth of my oldest son in Gunnison, Utah

When my children's birthdays come, I seem to always reflect on their births. I approached my oldest son's birth with a lot of naivety common of first time young moms. My own mother birthed 11 children, how hard could it be? I took the hospital "birth class" and learned how epidurals are inserted and about the many interventions that could happen. Not much about preparing for the actual throws of labor. Not even sure I was in labor, I called the hospital and said I had a braxton hick that was not releasing. I decided to take a bath to see if that would release it and it didn't. We made our way to the hospital around 11ish and they hooked me up to all the monitoring and yep, I was really in labor. I had planned to do an unmedicated birth but as the intensity grew with the contractions, and the lack of support from the nursing staff, one even commented "Do you want an epidural yet?" I decided to give in and get an epidural. By the afternoon, I was told I was ready to push. At the time of birth, I was kind of out of it and felt like a bystander and that it wasn't my body that was being pushed and pulled in every direction as a vacuum suctioned my baby out of my body. It felt traumatic and I felt kind of dumb as I reflected on some of the weird comments I said during my labor, when I did not feel like myself.  But I had a baby so I shouldn't I be happy? That is the feeling I came away with. Looking back now 15 years later, I wish I could go back and be my first babies doula. I would have helped her with pain management with the hip squeeze or suggested she get in the tub or shower as that can help so much. I would have encouraged her, that she could have an unmedicated birth. I would have encouraged her husband to speak soothingly and encourage his woman and to hold her. After his birth, I knew there was a better way and luckily I found better ways. Recently at the Birthing From Within training I found a lot of healing as I let go of shame and guilt for my birth experience with Caleb and I came to the realization that birth is like a meandering stream and it is ok if it doesn't go as planned. There isn't a right way or wrong to birth a baby; however, there are more gentle ways and humane ways to birth a baby. I know my rough experiences brought a desire for change in the birth world. I want to assist women in having the birth experiences they desire. That is why I became a doula and also why I want to become a certified professional midwife, more self love and acceptance and less guilt during your life changing rite of passage that birth is.Your first child is the one who makes you a mother or father. There is something in that transitional experience that changes you forever.